A-tishoo, A-tishoo, we all fall down…

Guys and gals of the blog…

I extend my heartfelt apologies to each and every person that has tried to call me, tried to email me…

For the past three weeks I have been laying in bed with the flu.

Now, when I say the flu: I do not mean a cold. I do not mean a slight high temperature. I do not mean a feeling of being unwell slightly or even middle of the road not feeling well.

I mean the depths of absolute and total hell. I mean fire and brimstone, I am on my way to the devil, hell…

I mean – over a stone and a half in weight loss in two weeks.

I mean, call the doctor I think I am going to die – then, nothing… I could not talk to a single person, my family included. Whispers of that dreaded swine flu were rampant but the doctor, according to my sister, said no. Just run of the mill, ordinary old boring flu.

Run of the mill.

That is what he called it.

Run of the mill? Run of the God damned mill? I can’t even describe to you how I was hallucinating at one point. How I was so cold yet so bloody damn hot. How I got stripped to the underwear, freezing cold yet my lovely sister put a fan on me to make me even colder! Something to do with bringing down a fever she has told me – I reckon it was all to do with some sick, perverted torture she was carrying out, possibly in retaliation for the time when she was 8 and I was 5 and I stole her Barbie doll, cut off all the long blond hair, dressed her up in Action Man’s clothes and claimed, ‘she’s  butch now Claire, get used to it…’    She never got over that…

 How I could not sip water, how I did not know what  week it was, what day it was never mind what time it was. How when I eventually got to sit on the edge of the bed instead of lay in it like a half dead corpse, I was so shaky and weak I knew I could not even walk tot he dressing table and pick up a tissue.

Apparently, that is run of the mill.

I would like to see the doc take that for 2 weeks and then say it’s run of the mill. I used to like my doctor you know…

For the last 5 days I have been steadily growing stronger. Strong enough to eat a little bit and talk some and gather my strength together to think about work and look at all the cross emails I have had from missed possible bookings and possible advance booking requests which went unanswered by myself.

So, I am taking this blog entry as an apology to all.

This weekend I have to clean up my home so it is ready for back to work from Monday. I have to do it, three weeks laying in a bed sick has not been kind to my home – it’s a disaster of a mess. I would not invite myself in here to visit me…

Catching up on the news – oh, hang on a second, the news is only the election, right? On the bright side, I missed most of all the furor about the election. I was also too sick to go and vote on Thursday so I abstained. Possibly, sensibly so.

I have realised though, that, if I wanted to commit a hanus crime, then yesterday was the day to go do it as I would have had no press coverage at all unless, after sleighing 100 people’s heads off in Tesco, I then shouted ‘This is because of the hung parliament!’

I would like to warn my previous clients, you lovely lot, I am down a stone and a half here. My clothes are loose and my backside slightly smaller than before. In fact, all over me is slightly smaller than before. It’s been a revelation the last 2 days to find out I can get my jeans on again – the pair I have not been able to get on since 2004! I am oddly, still fitting into my bra’s which is odd as normally, with us girls, the boobs are the first place it goes from! God must have been pitying me and thought, you know, this woman, she needs to keep those boobs, they are quite my best work after all, let’s shrink her legs and backside, arms and belly instead! Thank you Lord!

Now I have shed this weight and been so sick, a healthy eating regime is in place to ensure I am at optimum fitness in the future to look the flu in the eye, should it try to come back and give it the two fingers, with a grin!

My phone is back on from Monday morning.

I might have forgotten what to do with you guys by then so if I were you, I would hurry and phone me for a booking – you’ll be getting a practical virgin – nobody has been near me in weeks!

Before I bugger off and contemplate how to clean up the shocking mess that is my lounge – if you have eaten too many cakes – catch the flu.  Seriously, weight loss with no effort.

And do not bother with all the meds you can get over the counter or from the doc himself – all pointless, don’t touch the symptoms even slightly. Save your time and your money and simply lay there feeling rotten until you can open your eyes and mutter to the person shuffling about the bedroom (my sister) what day is it and is it still 2010? Charmingly, when she asked me yesterday, before she went home to her own family, leaving me alone for the first time in weeks, to ensure I was properly okay to be left, she asked;  ’who was in charge of running the country?’ 

And I replied; ‘I really don’t know.’

To which she replied: ‘Yep, that is correct – your all better – I am off home to me husband, kids and dog – you owe me for nursing duties…’

Take care and call back – I am working from Monday.

Abby

xx